I guess it's important to keep busy.

And stop thinking of those things that you can't change. Or those people.

Maybe this is why I just finished recaulking the bathroom. Or maybe it was because I'm avoiding bigger things. Or maybe I had nothing else I would rather have been doing.

Oh well. The bathroom looks good now.

The lack of communication with my husband is growing. He is continually in a state of funk, hiding in his cave. I just want to leave the area.

And the reason he won't talk: Me, naturally.

For fuck's sake.

I love my husband. I love my kids. I love my family. I love school and my research.

But I need a break.

I just had my 32nd birthday and all I could think about was how much I missed my ex-husband. How wrong is that? I think I just miss things being easy and simple. One husband, one house, one life. I spent most of the night crying about it. Pathetic. It's not that I'm not happy. I may not be jumping for joy about my life, but it's okay. It has its good moments. But that's all there are anymore-- moments. Fleeting and few.

You know how cats are supposed to have 9 lives? Well I think I've lived at least 5. And I think I liked the last one better than this one. It ended when I moved, and my new double life began. Two houses, two husbands, two lives. I'm eager to start life 6 with one house and one life with my husband and my kids, and maybe a new baby. It sounds like a dream now though. Almost impossible.

I need to get back to taking care of me. I hardly know how anymore. I don't see my friends, I don't work out, I don't do things I want to do, I don't even eat what I want anymore. Sometime last year I stopped thinking about me and made my life all about my husband and my children and school. I have to get out of this rut and put myself back together again. I used to be a hot mama. I used to be content.

I just need a break. It's all just too much.

Should I just get a giant sign that reads, "Scapegoat available cheap. Married once to [name withheld]. Had two small children. Forever a fuck-up. Stay away at all costs."

It appears I should. Maybe it would save us all some time and heartache. I seem to once again be a burden, nothing more than the product of all my mistakes. Fuck this world. I guess the best I have will never be good enough for anyone.

Where do I start. It's nice to be here alone in the house. So often I am not physically alone, but alone in the loneliest sense, as in ignored, as in alone in couple-dom. Not only is there silence, but subterfuge. It's the little lies of omission that are killing me now. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I'm hard to talk to, maybe I don't listen... I ask. He just doesn't answer. Maybe I should just ask his mother. He tells her everything, even the things that he shouldn't.

And the lack of talking leads to a lack of trust leads to a lack of marriage. There's no love in a vacuum. And certainly no talking.

Yesterday I spent some time reading through all of my previous posts and it's amazing to me how much I feel I have grown since I first began this blog. It's fun to see little images I captured of my mind at different moments in time, and I think keeping this blog has helped me to make sense of all of those divergent moments. Sometimes I wonder why I don't keep it all secret, tucked away in a journal for my eyes only, but I think the accountability of the public nature of this helps me keep my thoughts on a more even keel. If I journaled for only myself I could certainly vent more, but would that be healthy? I think not.

My eclectic assortment of friends has helped me to realize that my odd thoughts are perhaps not as odd as I imagine them to be. Even though most of my friends are older than I, they still have some of the same personal issues I face. I had thought some of the "who am I" and "where am I going" questions would be obsolete as you entered the 5th or 6th decade of life, but instead the questions linger as we change from one stage of life to the next. It seems we are forever becoming and not being.

Also, I am unashamed, though not necessarily proud, of all my various posts. Some of them are more personal than others, but none are false--I own every feeling that I presented. I'm just glad I have grown out of some of them.

The good news is, you can become anything you'd like in this life. And there is plenty of time for just being when we are cold and lifeless. Many fear death and waste their lives worrying over the end. As for me, I want to spend this time becoming what is my fate and enjoying every minute of it, dancing from ear to ear.

I know I've been in love before. I loved and have been loved.

And it all falls away, paled in comparison to the new color that the world takes on when he is with me.

I know I've walked down this path before, but it seems the destination has changed this time. I want him with me here, now, forever. I want to lay in the grass with him and watch the clouds go by. I want to see him across the table from me in the morning, every morning, as the years slide into memories. I want to see his gentle hands cradle a newborn baby, our baby, on its first day of life.

I can't think of anything but his love.

Indeed, I'm in love and it's a sunny day. And the good news is he loves me too!

We had a great time in San Diego. We went to ComicCon, strolled around Gaslamp, Seaport Village and La Jolla, and had some fabulous meals. I had oysters for the first time and they're actually pretty good despite their slimy reputation. But maybe part of the appeal was the teacher...

I spent last night at his place. Mmmm. I don't even know what to say about it. I am so in love. And it's a sunny day.

Go Mets! The Professor and I went to one of the Dodgers/Mets games. It was a lot of fun. He met me here for breakfast, then the game, then we went for sushi. But it ended the same way as always: a kiss or two and a hug and goodbye. So I emailed him the next morning:

And he sent me back:

The Professor gets better and better. I am so in love. He said I was sexy last night. And we finally hit upon why he's not married--bad timing awards indeed. Two candidates were currently married, the other was hopelessly in love with his best friend. And he does want kids of his own. I'm down with that.

We talked for more than 2 hours about everything from love to Seinfeld to astrophysics to opera to baseball to politics to math to career paths and crossword puzzles. He asked if I had any more pictures of myself. Being the person I am, I asked why did he need pictures? And he said he has people asking questions about me. So you know that means he talks about me. I don't think I've stopped smiling since last night. And I sure didn't sleep; I can't get him out of my mind.

So he definitely wants to spend Sunday with my kids and me. We've planned brunch and a movie or a trip to the museum. It depends on the kids. I am so happy!