I don't think people realize how very alone you can be even if you are constantly around others. Take for instance the woman I met at the mall today. She was there with her almost 2 year old little boy Andrew, and I was there with my youngest. Since mine loves to meet new people, especially little people like herself, I went over and said hi. And you could see the thankfulness in the mom's eyes. It's so hard to be "alone" with your children all day, and it is so hard to meet other moms. It sounds silly, but it really is hard. Sometimes you meet one at the park, and maybe you exchange numbers, but it never goes any further, or maybe it just doesn't work out. Anyway, I gave her my email, and hopefully she'll contact me. I don't know what I would do without my Mom's group. Everyone in LA is just SO friendly.

Well, I shouldn't say that. If I say hi, usually people will talk to you and be nice, but every once in a while someone will give you that "drop-dead" look. Like "why in the world are you talking to me? You clearly must be a mass-murderer." I enjoy being randomly friendly on the whole though. Keeps people on their toes. :)

I realized today that I don't think I've cried, I mean really cried, in months. Maybe even a year or more. I've teared up a few times. Had a few roll down my cheek. But not the sobbing, the world is ending, woe is me crying. Why did I realize this? Because today I cried.

And as I'm crying, I'm telling myself "You're not a child. What are you doing? People depend on you. Your children depend on you to be strong, to be there for them when they need you." And I'm blinded by the fear of having to be everything to them. And have a job. And take care of the house, the car, the bills. And somewhere in there have friends, boyfriends, family, a social life. Then, at the bottom is me. My ex is a narcisist, so naturally he comes first in all things, in his mind anyway. He has no problem with this. For me, there's always my kids; they come first everytime in my world. They are the cage I live my life within.

It's a weird dichotomy that I live under. I believe very strongly that I am exceptionally bright and have a lot going for me, but I am completely convinced that no one "in charge" will ever see this and reward it. I will never be recognized for what I am. I know of only one time that I was recognized for something that I did not directly earn or go after. One day it just showed up in the mail. Maybe he gave it lots of thought, or maybe not, but my high school AP Chemistry teacher nominated me for some California Science Award. And I won. I have a medal somewhere in my closet with my name etched on it. I didn't even know how to react. And I still don't.

My parents lived under the assumption that I would always do well. (Rewards? What are they?) They just knew that I would go to college, get a PhD, win a Nobel Prize, cure cancer, whatever. There wasn't any room to just love me for me and not what I could be. But at the same time there was never any encouragement, just the unspoken assumption. And the unspoken threat that if I failed they would never speak to me again. There were no questions about what I wanted to do with my life. Sure I loved photography, and I was damn good at it, but "that's just a hobby right?" was the praise I got for that. I hardly take pictures any more now. After all, I'm a scientist, right? School was always the answer. Just go back to school.

So, this morning, as my therapists suggests that I simply GO to the offices of companies I'm interested in "just to get my feet wet", I feel an immediate wave of panic. Tears well up in my eyes. I can't breathe. I could see a 60 car pile up with bodies on fire and be calm enough at the scene to lead a team of rescuers, but the thought of going and asking about a job leaves me shaking in my boots. I am completely petrified.

I'd love to risk my neck by jumping out of an airplane, but the thought of setting myself up for that kind of rejection is unthinkable. In person, no less! It's too close, for me, to hearing my parents say "Sorry, I don't know what you were thinking, but you're just not good enough and you never will be. Maybe if you go to some more school..." I feel like I'm five again. I am comforted by the thought of tying up my time with textbooks and lectures and tests. I love the smell of ink, the weight of a backpack on my shoulders, the known quanitities of school. And I think if I go back I will never escape. Anytime I ever had a summer job, I went back to school in the fall thinking: "the only purpose for a summer job is to make you appreciate school even more." Sincerely.

I'm back to reality, and I repeat to myself, "You are not a child. What your parents think doesn't matter." And like Alice floating in the bottle, I too wish I hadn't cried so much. Time for the caucus race.

Like a crack whore looking for a fix, I'm gonna need to do it. I need to just dive in. To hell with "getting my feet wet." I just hope when I jump into the pool, I don't do a belly flop.

I cannot belive it has been 6 months since my first date with my boyfriend. And we still like eachother! Even better! I'd love for it to be another six months, too.

It's amazing how time sneaks by without you noticing.

Time Tells
by Eduardo Galeano, translated by Mark Fried

We are made of time.
We are its feet and its voice.
The feet of time walk in our shoes.
Sooner or later, we all know, the winds of time will erase the tracks.
Passage of nothing, steps of no one? The voices of time tell of the voyage.

I've decided my ideal job doesn't really exist. Some jobs cover part of what I want, but there is no all inclusive dream job. But maybe that's reality for everyone... I'm just getting on the bus now, I realize ya'll have been riding a while.

I want a job that pays well, after all I do live in LA with two kids. I want some adventure and perhaps danger. I want to use science and creativity, organization and freedom. I want flexible, short hours. I'm thinking I'll go to Wonderland and help Alice find the white rabbit. I always wanted to travel...

I'm totally screwed.

I could teach which would cover all but the pay and the adventure (although teenagers are kinda scary). I could be an engineer but I'm thinking that's too much "sit-on-your-ass-in-front-of-a-computer" intensive. I could do something in construction, but I think the housing market is about to see a sharp decline. I could be an EMT but the pay and hours suck more than a baby elephant. I could go back to school for something, like an MS in Engineering, but this really doesn't solve the immediate problem. Plus, even if I got a Physics PhD, chances are I would have to move in order to get a good research position, and I can't leave LA because of my ex and the kids. I could do med school, but the hours and costs are prohibitive. Funeral director is too people intensive. Architect--too much school. And the local PD won't take me due to my "shady" past and the Sherriff's Dept makes you work in the jails for two years to pay your dues. I really don't want to work at home; I can barely get anything done here anyway. Enough with the negative right?

Positive:
Physics BS
Skills: Organization, fast learner, self-starter, smart, task oriented, focused...
I do a damn fine 10 page monthly newsletter.
I can learn any computer program easily (AutoCAD, Word, Excel, Quark, Photoshop, etc)
I'm friendly and outgoing. Not afraid of leadership positions or speaking in front of large groups.
I passed the CBEST. Easy. But I can pass almost any test.
Did I mention I was cocky and full of myself? Uh, I mean confident...
I know my tools and can fix most anything around the house (flooring, drywall, plumbing, electrical, woodworking, etc)
Never gotten any driving tickets.
I can bake, quilt, paint, draw, sculpt... I'm really quite creative despite being such a science geek.
I can ride/drive/fly/sail lots of things.
I planned an awesome wedding for 300 people.
I have a high pain threshold and long endurance.
I was a jury foreperson.
I've worked as: a toy store clerk, a drafter (mech. and electrical), a shipper, a Quality control tech, a tool-crib girl, a stock-room person, a physics tutor, a teacher's aide, a secretary, a researcher, a file clerk, an office manager, a librarian's assistant...

I guess that's about it. Let me know if you have any job ideas... I keep hoping there's something out there I haven't heard of and would just be perfect.

I just found one of the best things in the world (next to sex and eating and whatever else). It's laying in bed with my boyfriend and reading. It sounds kinda lame, I admit, but I have NEVER had anyone to do that with before and I just think it's awesome. Every once in a while I can look over from my book and see him smile back at me. Our elbows are touching slightly. Our feet are mingling. And get this--he reads faster than I do. My mom was the only person I knew that read faster than I. It's amazing. I love it. I can't wait to do it again. And again.

Now if I could only get him to like the same kinds of books I like... But hey, no one's perfect. :)

A new revelation from the video game industry: Women don't play video games as much as men. Is this really news? I sure hope they didn't pay for a study about this. We're busy doing things and talking with our friends. But I do like how the article says the industry is "failing women". Perhaps not, I say.

How is it that we can "feel" someone watching us? And yet people say ESP and all that business is impossible. Who knows what things go on without our awareness. This led me to the local magazine stand looking for something scientific to counter-balance my new age thoughts.

I got a copy of this month's Skeptic magazine, put out by the guys at CalTech. It has some interesting articles disputing the impact of prayer on healing, and the health of religious societies in general. But one article is about college educated Orthodox Jews and their denial of science as learned in school. The author claims that even thought the students were taught evolution and other tenents of modern science, they stick to the rabbinical teachings of creationism. He creates basically a poll where he asks these students questions about their beliefs. Check out some of the questions he asks:

1. True or False: Evolution correctly explains the origin of life.
2. True or False: Human beings evolved from apes.
3.What is the age of the universe? A. about 15 billion years OR B. about 7000 years.
4. True or False: Current land animals descended from those on Noah's Ark.

Well, the guy who did the study has a PhD in experimental psychology and has taught at an Orthodox Jewish school for a semester. I think he had some forgone conclusions that he just wanted to rubber stamp with his terrible, unscientific questions and incredibly small sample size. He takes these answers to the wrong conclusion, in my opinion. It is sad to see something as corrupt as this pass for science. He had 3 pages of rhetoric to accompany his tiny study where he jumps from one conclusion to another. He doesn't even bother to ask them directly whether they believe their professors or their rabbis. I would think some one with a PhD in psychology could design a more scientific study without so much bias. I think I'll try to find my black armband...

Dave Matthew's Band so sums up that feeling of overwhelming need for another person in their song "Crush". I finally got to talk to the boyfriend, and I so miss him. I haven't seen him in almost 2 weeks. It's the start of a new TV season, so his work is super busy and he just moved, and I've had my kids almost non-stop since my ex is in Europe, so we've had no time together. I welcome the down time on one hand, but I miss snuggling and touching and talking with him.

"It's crazy, I'm thinking, just knowing that the world is round.
I'm here, I'm dancing on the ground.
Am I right side up or upside down?
Is this real, oh lord, or am I dreaming?

Lovely lady, I will treat you sweetly, adore you, I mean, you crush me.
Oh it's times like these when my faith I feel.
I know, how, I, love, you. come on, come on, baby.

It's crazy, I'm thinking just as long as you're around.
I'm here, I'll be dancing on the ground.
Am I right side up or upside down?
To each other, we'll be facing.
My love, my love, we'll beat back the pain we've found.
You know, I mean to tell you all the things I've been thinking, deep inside my friend.
With each moment the more I love you.
Crush me, come on, baby.

So much you have, given love, that I would give you back again and again.
Oh, the love, many now hold you but please, please, just let me, always"

Indeed. Are we upside down? It's fun to think that actually we're hurling through space on a round rock, orbiting a flaming ball of plasma, spinning all the while. And yet I don't feel I'm moving at all. Inertia is an amazing thing. The earth is actually a more perfect sphere than a billiard ball. Even with the mountains. Think about that. And maybe soon the magnetic poles will shift, perhaps even reverse, and this will cause a mass catastrophe (according to a friend). Apparently the goverment has already make preparations for this with some "safe spots". We're all gonna die someday.

I was driving home from picking up the kids at school when I heard John Lennon's "Imagine" on the radio. He seems to understand my sentiment about living not for God's reward, but for yourself, today, now. It's not about being Godless or evil or selfish. It's about being the best person you can be every moment of every day. I wish we had more people that felt that way in the world. Obviously, he gets a bit (well, more than a bit) communistic at the end, but the underlying thought is nice in today's world of fundamentalism and hate. I'm saddened to think of the world my children will find when they grow up. BTW, Have you seen the trailer for the movie "Children of Men"? Very interesting idea.

"Imagine"
Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Check it out! Now you can own a piece of me. Or pretend to anyway. I'm on Blog Shares now! My ex would have liked this. He was always trying to buy the top of my right foot for some reason known only to himself. He's weird. I had gotten the price up pretty high as I recall, but just never felt comfortable turning over control to him. He probably would have tattooed his name on it or bitten it or something I can't even imagine... Ugh. Gives me the creeps. And it's not like it was playing. He REALLY wanted to own part of me, and I think he thought I would settle for the foot, and then he could work his way up to more major purchases (use your imagination). As it was, the few high-ticket items I own were "won" through sexual favors I performed for him. So basically he owned me anyway, he just wanted it in writing. Sick Bastard.