There are so many things I want in life but am unwilling to claim. I think I'm afraid that if I try that I might fail. And I hate failing. I've got a long list, so let's hope I get the guts up to do some of it.

I want:
To live by the beach.
To travel the world--I'm talking the whole thing, Antarctic and all.
To build my own Hot Rod (Vicky, hot pink and white)
To drag race in a top-fuel dragster.
To motorcycle through the Alps.
To skydive.
To sail a boat to the Carribean.
To sell a piece of my art.
To go to medical school and become and ER doc or pathologist.
To build my own log cabin.
To live in Alaska.
To learn to fly and get my pilot's license.
To drive across the US.
To write a book.
To do CPR for real.
To backpack the Pacific Crest Trail like John Muir.
To go on an African Safari.
To hold an elected public office.
To join the military or police force.
To learn to sing.
To run a marathon.

Of course there are the more esoteric things:
To have a loving, respectful, fun relationship with my two girls.
To get a meaningful job where I feel I make a difference in the world.
To enjoy everyday of my life as it comes.
To love and be loved.

At least I'm making some progress toward these last four. Arguably the most important.

As Jim Morrison says in "The Movie" from American Prayer:
"The program for this evening is not new
You've seen this entertainment through and through
You've seen your birth, your life, your death
You might recall all of the rest
Did you have a good world when you died?
Enough to base a movie on?"

I want a life lived. I want to die and have them say "Damn, I wish I'd done half the stuff she had. Wow, she was awesome." I want to be proud of the time I've spent here, to feel like I haven't wasted it being safe. I want to go out in style. To set an example. To be someone.

So I went to bed last night reading my Paramedic book. Some parts of me still want to explore that as a career, but I doubt I will. Anyway, yesterday was also my boyfriend's birthday, so he went out with his best friend from third grade and her friend. Let's call this latter friend Debbie. I have met Debbie a couple of times and she's super sweet. She's due to get married soon so she's busy planning her wedding, and I think the last thing on her mind is getting into my boyfriend's pants. And I don't think he'll ever put the moves on her either.

That said, let me tell you the dream I had:
So I'm retiring from being an EMT and I'm having a little party with my family and my boyfriend. My boyfriend asks if he can bring Debbie along and I say sure, I like her, no problem. We have dinner as a group and everything is fine until we go back to Debbie's store (in my dream she owns a store, bizarre). Her store has a wide patio in front, and we all sit around a table talking and drinking, when I notice my boyfriend is wrapped around Debbie. I let this go, trusting that it's just friendliness. Someone makes a toast, and several others follow. Then my boyfriend says he has an announcement to make--he's getting married. This is the same guy who's told me he's never getting married, so I'm in shock, standing there with mouth agape. He goes on to reveal that he's marrying Debbie, and that's the wedding she's been planning all along. I assume Debbie must not know then, about his relationship with me, so tearfully I fill her in on how he's told me that he loves me, never felt this way before, etc. I tell her in no uncertain terms that he does not love her and that she'd be crazy to marry him now. She grabs a chocolate bar from her store and throws it at me. My boyfriend declares his love for Debbie and talks about their wedding plans. I'm sick to my stomach. Then I woke up.

I love the symbology of dreams. The whole scenario took place in a swamp, which I take as representative of a quagmire, with slimy creatures slithering around. Apparently my subconscious mind doesn't trust my boyfriend as much as my conscious mind does. I'm not sure what the candy bar means though, but I do know I was highly insulted, like it was a really cheap way to try and buy me off. Like "Fetch, Fido!" Maybe I think I'm easy? Anyway, at least it's just a dream.